YOU'RE a spider

the flying kind

For your listening pleasure: The entire Olympic artistic swimming playlist, minus the Spider song (deemed “hard to find” by New York Times)

Most people would say the Olympics end in closing ceremonies, but I’m going to call the artistic swimming competition the real finale this time around. That Russian spider routine? Are we kidding? And it’s not just the ROC who showed up looking dystopian-hot; the sport FKA “synchronized swimming” seems to be rallying its global community around an edgy athletic rebrand. The Americans swam to Billie Eilish. France did a whole Cirque du Soleil thing. Perhaps the most artistic part of this event, though, is the way the newspaper embedded the all the competitors’ music choices in their article text. Slap a National Press Foundation award on top of that gold.

Dystopian, you say

Head on over from Russia’s Olympic pool to Elon’s lair, where folks aren’t simply back at their desks, but are hiring an in-house mixologist to spice things up. SpaceX evidently feels that they are dangerously low on space-themed tiki cocktails at their campus in Boca Chica, Texas, a problem they’re rectifying with not just one but several open jobs in their food service department. If you’ve ever wanted to sip a mai tai looking out on a view of a more subtle megapenis, maybe this one’s for you—and if that’s the case, you have to promise to name your signature cocktail, “Space Probe on the Beach.”

Look down

Elsewhere in sky travel, Delta Airlines is feeling VERY HURT about the Delta variant. “We just call it the variant,” said some representative who we can only assume had a hard time at recess back in the day. It’s not like we don’t have a model for this (we haven’t forgotten you, Corona) — the move is to remain graciously silent and wait for it to pass. But even if we did just wait, there’d still be a new variant on its way, and I think this next one should go to someone who really deserves the press. “Bezos variant” has kind of a nice ring, come to think of it.

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The Airline Which Must Not Be Named.

Margot

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