Too kind
Listen: Toxic by Ashnikko
While we all wait for Britney to break free, let’s make space in our hearts for a new “Toxic.” This one’s from Ashnikko, a very poppy singer-songwriter who, this being 2021, also raps. While B’s “Toxic” was about a gentleman she couldn’t get enough of, B has had more than enough of the men in her song. “I always find it really difficult when people, especially men, are like, ‘I made you who you are,” she says. “It’s like, ‘No, actually, I worked extremely hard and you helped me with a lot of things, but I made this music.’ The unnamed man this song is about knows who he is—and he should feel bad.” Juicy!
You’re too sweet
Back in the world of dairy (I promise I will move on soon), Siggi’s would like you to know that you’re eating too much sugar— and to instill that message with an *experience,* they’re launching a palette training kit to show you how things could be if you weren’t a slovenly, sweet-loving American. Let me set your expectations here: the kit is just a month’s supply of Siggi’s with a set of instructions on how to mindfully eat food (namely yogurt, since you have so much) to which you have not added extra sugar. If all goes according to plan, you’ll begin to prefer tastes other than sweetness— a process that, by the way, takes at least three months, according to science and also people who want to sell you yogurt. Get yours here. Maybe you’ll forget what chewing is like, too.
Too *kind*, actually
Not to be outdone, KIND is offering free 15-minute dietitian sessions to anyone who needs them.* They’re aware of the current public health crisis, you see, and they truly care about your wellbeing— enough to help make sure you eat healthy snacks that may or may not be KIND bars.** Nice to know someone’s got your back.
*up to 3,000 sessions and through February 18
**Remember when the FDA refused to classify KIND bars as healthy because they are candy?
Just eat ice cream
Maybe you’re gathering that brands do not have your bests interests at heart— unless, that is, they are Ben and Jerry (who, at this point, are actually just individuals whose values have remained magnificently intact under the ownership of Unilever). Separate from the righteous brand messages the company has been putting out all year, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield are on a campaign to end qualified immunity after the End Qualified Immunity Act died in the Senate last summer. The plan is pretty grassroots: educate folks and then mobilize them to push reps on the measure. If it works, we’ll have a pretty nice playbook on our hands: start a hit company; sell it to a global conglomerate so they can put the fudge on top; use all that ice cream as fuel for the real work.