by criminals

Listen: Is it love or a pyramid scheme by YULLOLA

When you come up with a line like, “Is it love or a pyramid scheme,” all you really have to do is repeat it and everybody gets on board. Conveniently, this particular line was written by YULLOLA (fka Jasper Lotti), who is capable of spinning up somewhat-interesting music around a hook. As for the rebrand, Yullola (I can’t style it in caps twice) says that the new name is an attempt to be “more grounded in humanity, releasing the power that the new digital world has on all of us.” I don’t know that reality is living up to philosophy here, but at least we got a good line. Listen here, over and over and over again.

CVS: Criminal Value Stores

Have you ever knicked a little Scotch tape or something from CVS? Then you have more in common with the mob than you think. It appears that there are organized crime rings systematically stealing goods from CVS and Walgreens and reselling them at a markup on Amazon, an operation so mundane it’s genius. The Coalition of Law Enforcement and Retail says these thefts rack up to about $45 billion in annual losses, and at CVS alone they’ve increased by 30% since the pandemic started. But the best part is that Amazon itself is probably doing more illegal shit than the shoplifters— what is a monopoly if not hyper-organized crime?— and no one seems to mind.

McDemeanor (Or is it McFelony?)

Trickery is also afoot over at McDonald’s, where the McFlurry machines are so pervasively broken as to resemble an antitrust issue, and the FTC is coming in to take a look. In case they don’t do the job thoroughly (and they won’t), the laypeople have taken matters into their own hands with, which tells you in real time the status of the McFlurry machines near you— a public service on par with Still won’t fix the issue, but at least sets expectations.

Don’t know if you’ve heard, America actually Runs On Dunkin’

Fret about McFlurries all you want but we all* know the only fast food chain is Dunkin’ Donuts (we’re still gonna call it that). Having absolutely cornered the market of basic New Englanders aged 4 to 106, they’re spinning that diehard love for water-coffee into a full-on lifestyle brand. Dunkin’ has begun selling co-branded merch like pink sprinkled Goodr sunglasses, those classic marathon Sauconys, and a limited-edition bachelorette bathrobe (the correct attire in which to visit the big D), and what feels like regional trolling to the rest of us is actually very smart. Dunkies is famous for its sameness— the donuts never change and neither does the offensive pink-and-orange color scheme— but they’ve got their eye on the future,** which is why there’s now that miraculously on-brand avocado toast on the menu, and why you can rock up to a drive thru on a branded tandem bike. The native Bostonian in me is chomping at the bit— but would you read this sweatshirt as irony or delusion?

*fight me

**diversified revenue

Turning back toward the pharmacy $

Forget CVS and order directly from Who Gives A Crap, a toilet paper company that delivers you cushy, eco-friendly toilet paper whenever you need it. Their two kinds of TP are made of recycled paper and bamboo, the fastest-growing plant in the world. The rolls are also extra long, but you’ll have plenty to go on since they come in packs of 24 and 48. You can also subscribe if you want it on repeat. New customers get $10 off any order with the code LOREMIPSUM102. Get yours here.

Have a good season, Touchdown Tom 😢


^^Cue all your crook jokes

$ = sponsored