like Nic

Listen: I Wanna Be A Dog by Colleen Green

The title may make it sound like a parody, but “I Wanna Be A Dog” is anything but. Colleen Green is the queen of deadpan, and as you’ll learn, she earnestly thinks it would be great to wear a collar and play with strangers and be told what a Good Girl she is. That insight should make you pretty jazzed to unfold the philosophies behind other missives like “It’s Nice To Be Nice,” and “How Much Should You Love a Husband?” All off Green’s new album, Cool.

It’s 10 AM. Do you know where your hogs are?

Likewise straddling the line between drama and satire is “Pig,” the new film starring Nicholas Cage as a chef-recluse in the Pacific Northwest, where his truffle pig is stolen and it upsets his entire life. After an initial break where Nic wanders around the forest, sniffing and stewing, he re-enters society to talk to chefs for some reason (are they going to know where his pig went?) and reveals that the restaurant industry is what drove him to leave civilization behind and put all his stock into this pig. “We don’t get a lot of things to really care about,” he whispers. And if that is the killer line in your fine-dining hog movie preview, it seems like you’ve maybe missed out on the last little stretch of life on Earth. I know we’ve all wondered what would happen with the movies that were greenlit in 2017. Now we know: they got made.

Who has my dog

If Nic really wants to find his pig, maybe he should call up Hyundai, who just bought the company that makes the robot police dogs that just *happened* to make their public debut over the last year or two. Why would a car company need robo-dogs? No clear reason, unless Eric Adams has a cousin who works in cars and Hyundai is about to become the official auto partner of the NYPD. To throw us off the scent,* the company just released a video hyping up all the possibilities (dogbots in hospitals!) for the cutting-edge machines that we now associate with state-sponsored violence. Built for the future. Hyundai.

*lol robot dogs can’t smell

For real, who gets the dog

Say your dog is an animal, not a robot. And say you got it with a partner, and your partnership is now ending. Hope you made a petnup, because in a growing number of states, divorce court will now treat your pet like a child in a custody battle. That means that instead of just negotiating for your pet as an asset, you invite experts to come in and decide what living arrangement is best for its emotional health, and generally, what’s best is not swapping homes every week.

From the AP: ““Someone’s cat or someone’s dog is a part of their family and should not be treated like a piece of furniture or their Honda Civic,” said Sen. James Skoufis, chief sponsor of [a measure that would instate this rule in New York] and proud dad to a cat named Ruth, for the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” In his seat, I would introduce a bill banning state lawmakers from naming their animals after judicial icons. But we pick our battles.

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“Pig” in theaters July 16.


Thanks to Dave and Spenser for today’s Hot Animal Tips

$ = sponsored